My Journey to Heart and Grit
My health collapsed, like the Twin Towers, two months after September 2001.
My Journey to Heart and Grit
My health collapsed, like the Twin Towers, two months after September 2001.
I plunged into a profound state of malaise. Within a couple of weeks, I had spiraled from a multi-tasking career woman into an invalid who could barely walk across her living room.
102-degree fevers spiked every night. I had little appetite.
The simplest tasks, like returning phone calls or fetching the mail, took more energy than I had to give. All I could manage was a daily retreat to my couch for hours and hours in a darkened room with my eyes closed.
I felt as if I were hibernating. Like a bear. Life had closed in on me.
A frustrating sequence of visits to allopathic and integrative physicians made it clear that no one had a clue what was wrong.
I was too exhausted to continue pursuing answers. I lost all hope that I would be able to continue my demanding career. A colleague took over and I relented to the unplanned time-out that had already begun.
I had no choice but to let go. Surrender into life as it was. And that was Terrifying.
Although I’d practiced meditation for years, nothing had prepared me for this plunge into physical and emotional emptiness.
One terrifying aspect of my health crash involved the emergence of an energetic phenomenon that felt like I was being hit by a bomb.
Body blows, like mini explosions, would detonate in my chest area, stomach, or at the top of my head. It not only felt godawful, but extremely unnerving. What on earth was happening?
I later learned that these ‘mini-explosions’ marked the beginning of awakening kundalini.
Over time, the sensations morphed into something quite different.
Full-body buzzing, vibrating, throbbing, heat, pounding heart, and pulsing energies that felt like a super fast-moving river of light – were typical of the sensations I experienced. Often waking me up at night.
One day, I dusted off an old, neglected book on my shelf called “Healing with the Angels”.
While spirituality was an old friend, this transformative read marked the beginning of a heart-centered journey into the depths of my soul.
I discovered that I had the gift of clairaudience.
Clairaudience is the psychic ability to hear sounds and receive information beyond the reach of ordinary perception.
This freshly-discovered gift unearthed intuitive knowledge that helped me navigate my very limited life, even revealing the name of a physician who was able to treat my condition to wellness.
“Inklings” (what I now call guidance) started coming to me. Practical messages related to day-to-day life brought immediate, positive outcomes.
By the end of March 2002, I noticed that my symptoms had begun to subside.
A tiny bit of hope finally emerged. I wrote in my journal:
“I am starting to feel a bit of the sacredness and specialness in my life coming back. I feel life energy returning to me, like a blessed Spring,”
Journaling became a daily essential and fortifying exercise. Here are some characteristic entries:
“I am looking at the grace of this illness. It brought me the space to separate from that which was enslaving me. I felt trapped in my career, addicted to money – as if there were no way out. Falling sick was a way out! Healthy limits, boundaries and separations naturally arose because I had no energy to do otherwise.”
“In abandoning toxic rituals and patterns, I became less attached, and finally, detached from them. I have my ‘illness-friend’ to thank for this blessing.”
“I am experiencing new freedom and courage around authentic expression. To utter any words right now – without searing chest pain – requires physically positioning myself in alignment with the flow of my breath, to speak directly from my heart center.”
"I have come out of that landscape, that mud, that silence, to roam, to go singing through the world."
Pablo Neruda
This is what I call Heart and Grit – the deepest place of love I’ve ever lived combined with plenty of bumps – raw and real. Everything life brings is here to serve us, even if some of it feels hideous or terrifying.
Our journeys continue, with all of their richness, color and magic, frustrations, betrayals, heartbreaks… and sometimes horrifying nightmares. Life’s magnificent choreography.
I invite you to explore your own Heart and Grit. My honor, to help guide you to the other side.