One morning, in mid-March 2002, I noticed that some hope had alighted in my heart. Symptoms had begun to subside.
I wrote in my journal: “I am starting to feel a bit of the sacredness and specialness in my life coming back. There is a playfulness of Spirit. A bounce – joy in living. I feel life and energy returning to me, like a blessed Spring.”
Journaling had become an essential and fortifying exercise during that fretful time. Here’s a sample:
“Tonight, I am looking at the grace of this illness. It brought me the space to separate from that which was enslaving me. I felt trapped in my career, addicted to money – as if there were no way out.
Falling sick was a way out! Healthy limits, boundaries and separations naturally arose because I had no energy to do otherwise.
In abandoning the customary rituals and patterns, I had become less attached to them – and finally, detached from them. I have my “illness-friend” to thank for this blessing.”
“I am experiencing a new freedom and courageousness around authentic expression. To utter any words right now – without the presence of searing chest pain – requires me to physically position myself in alignment with the flow of my breath. To speak directly from my heart-center, that space from which breath arises.
It feels like a solidarity with breath. A powerful and easeful expression emerges – perhaps for the first time in my entire life.”
“I have come out of that landscape, that mud, that silence, to roam, to go singing through the world”Pablo Neruda, ”Love letter to Earth’s Forests”
I’ve selected this portion of my life-adventure to narrate because it represents a profoundly alchemical, transformative period. In case you’re wondering if my days of life challenge and adversity were over – I’ve got some bad news. There are plentiful gnarly scenarios where this one came from :)
What IS different, is that I now realize everything life brings is here to serve. Even if it feels hideous or terrifying. I certainly don’t have to pretend to enjoy it …
The spiritual BS is over. Replaced by what I am calling Heart and Grit. The deepest place of love from which I’ve ever lived, combined with plenty of grit – raw and real.
My journey continues. With all of its richness, color and magic; frustrations, betrayals, heartbreaks and sometimes horrifying nightmares. Life’s magnificent choreography.
I invite you to dance with me …