One morning, in mid-March 2002, I noticed that some hope had alighted in my heart . Symptoms had begun to subside. I wrote in my journal: “I am starting to feel some of the sacredness and specialness of my life coming back. There is a playfulness of Spirit returning. A bounce – a joy in living. I feel life and energy returning to me, like a blessed Spring.”
Journaling had become essential and fortifying during that crazy time. Here’s a sample of some recognitions:
“Tonight, I am looking at the grace of this illness. It brought me the space to separate from that which was enslaving me. I felt trapped in my career, addicted to money – as if there were no way out.
Falling sick was a way out! Healthy limits, boundaries and separations naturally arose because I had no energy to do otherwise. In abandoning the customary rituals and patterns, I had become less attached to them – and finally, detached from them. I have my “illness-friend” to thank for this blessing.”
“I am experiencing a new freedom and courageousness around authentic expression. To utter any words right now – without the presence of searing chest pain – requires me to physically position myself in alignment with the flow of my breath. To speak directly from my heart-center, that space from which breath arises. It feels like a solidarity with breath. A powerful and easeful expression emerges – perhaps for the first time in my entire life.”
“I have come out of that landscape, that mud, that silence, to roam, to go singing through the world”Pablo Neruda, ”Love letter to Earth’s Forests”
I’ve selected this portion of my life adventure to narrate because it represents a particularly transformational deep dive. In case you’re thinking that it marked the end of life challenge and adversity – I’ve got some bad news. There are plenty more gnarly scenarios where this one came from. :)
What IS different is that I now realize everything life brings is here to help me. Even if it feels like crap at the time. And I certainly don’t have to pretend to like it.
The spiritual BS is over. Replaced by what I am calling Heart and Grit. The deepest place of LOVE from which I’ve ever lived, combined with plenty of grit – raw and real.
My journey continues. With all of its richness, color and magic; frustrations, betrayals, heartbreaks and sometimes horrifying nightmares. Life’s magnificent choreography. I invite you to dance with me. Please come as you are.